Chapter 8 Lose

Lose

What do you guys feels when you see this word?

It’s just a short word that has 4 syllables, but it means everything. It could be losing someone, something, small things and big things. Losing is kind a sad. I’m a quite lucky girl because I’ve never been losing someone really special that causes a pain in your life. Of course I’ve ever been losing someone that really special to me and means everything to me. I’m losing a guy that I really love more than anything in this world (after my family). Yeah I’ve told you guys in the previous chapter.

The reason I write about losing is because I just lose my phone recently. I know it’s not a big deal for some people, but I’m not talking about the price of the phone but how important the phone is to me. My dad just bought me a new Smartphone that really in these days. At first I don’t think that I really need that phone, but that phone is really useful for me. I mean the internet networking in my dorm is kind a sucks, the signal could be strong or really weak, and that’s makes me kind a freaking out. Who doesn’t need an internet these days, I mean internet kind a everything to me, I could ask Google if I want to know about something, I could ask Wikipedia if I curious about someone biography or anything, I could browsing a recipe if I’m craving for some food), I could ask Google’s brother (Google map and Google translate) if I want to know some place and correcting my English or mandarin. And the important thing is I could really keep in touch with my entire friend around the world, without seeing them face to face. That phone is really helpful when the internet in my dorm doesn’t work. Now losing it feelings like losing everything.

I’m actually crying when I lose my phone, I just got shock. I and my friend were taking a Halloween costume that time. On our way home, we took “angkot” a public transportation in Bandung to go home. When we’re just got inside the angkot, there is something strange about the people in front of me, he suddenly groaning and hold his leg then my leg, I have no idea I tough he really in pain at that time. I’m so stupid that I haven’t realized that he’s planning something to me. He keeps gripping my leg until I’m said we’re getting off here to the driver. I felt frightened about that, and keep talking with my friend how scary he is till we got another “angkot”. When we’re in second “angkot” I realize that my phone is missing, and I’m sure that guy was stole my phone. Then I asked my friend for getting of that second angkot to check clearly my bag (still hoping the phone inside my bag), but there isn’t my phone. I’m trying to calm down when I called my mom, but I’m so upset and feel guilty to my dad because he just bought me that phone. Then I just grab a cab and going to buy a new number (that I could use my old phone) on our way home. I’m really in silent in that cab, my friend totally understands that, she is such a good friend, thanks to Delia.

After I got a new number with my old phone I called my dad and freaking out that I hate angkot and I need my jazz right now. My dad was trying to calmed me down and telling me if losing my phone is freaking me out what if you losing your jazz, you’re going to faint. Yeah I think he’s right, we both know that the crime in Indonesia is totally different than in Singapore (that I still get used to), my sister lost her phone twice but she’s got it back. How lucky she was.

After I’m a bit calm, I called my ex boyfriend. He’s kind a confused and asking why I’m changing my phone number. Then I told him everything with a bit sobbing. He’s trying to calm me down too, like my dad did to me. And he’s telling me that is a lesson for me to know world. The world where me and him are living right now. He said “you got to deal with it, that’s life, you can’t say anything and keep cursing the guy who stole it”. Then I just lay in my bed and keep thinking how stupid I am.

But I realize that if god want to take that phone off from me, then it’s going to happened no matter you’re in angkot or in your own car, wherever

Chapter 7 Showed Up

Showed Up

God is listening to my pray…..

You have no idea what happened in the middle of October 2010. He showed up... The man that I’ve been talking for the last one year was finally showed up. You guys may wonder what the hell he was doing in my life right now.

Yeah... finally he was asking me to be his date on his father’s wedding party. His father is going to marry a girl at that time that means he, his brother and sister is going to have a new stepmother. Before that, his sister already told me that her father is going to marry a girl and the wedding is being held in Bandung. She was asking me to come to the party, but I just don’t feel to come because I thought that there’s going to be an awkward situation with her big brother. Then at that time I decided to not thinking about that party.

Then suddenly, he texted me like there’s nothing happened between us since we were being part. I didn’t want to talk about it either, because it’s going to remained me to the pain that I almost forgot. I don’t know exactly how I felt at that time, I feel happy, upset, exciting and many more. I can’t lie to my own feelings that I do still love him. Then I though he is trying to take my heart again.

After my midterm test has finished, I went to his family hotel, it’s not actually a hotel, and it’s more like a house where his family stayed for a while. Yeah, he asking me to meet his family first to say hi and greet them. I didn’t mind for doing that, I’ve meet his family already, but the things is I GOT A LOT OF BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH. I mean, yeah we haven’t meet for a long time (actually it’s just a year) but I feels like my first time to meet him, so you guys know how nervous I am at that time.

When he brought me inside that house and meeting ninik (his grandmother) : ) .. ninik is so excited to meet me, I can see it. She is so surprised when I showed up, hug me, and kiss me and introducing me to her friends. After that we just talked each other in the backyard because his sister and brother were sleeping, and his father is checking the Sheraton hotel, where the wedding is going to held.

He said that he was so hungry and asking where is the good restaurant in neighborhood. Then I told him that there is a good pancake restaurant near that. Then he was taking me to the pancake restaurant called the nanny’s pavilion which is the most delicious pancake in Bandung. And guess what, there we were like our first date in pancake restaurant. Yeah we chatted, laugh, and joking each other, like we used to. Yeah mostly we talked about what happening when we weren’t together for a year. It was such a good quality time with him and it’s like the restaurant know that we’re having a good time, so they were playing a lot romantic songs (actually not so important to tell, just want to tell you guys).

In the middle of a good time his dad calling him to come home soon, because there’s going to be a praying for asking the good wedding and life after that, called pengajian in our religion. Because I’m not wearing a Muslim dress and not bring my scarf, neither was he, we just sit in the front yard of the house waiting for the pengajian. One by one his family got there, and I got to say hi to with his whole family, which is I guarantee their family is getting curious why am I there at that time. One of his cool aunts is saying like this “are you both come back together? and yelling to his driver that they just got another couple” We were just smiling, don’t know what to say. After meeting his whole family, we just hanging out with his brother and sister, waiting for the praying done and we got to move to another cottage that near to Sheraton Hotel, that cottage called Kartipah. And after taking his family to cottage he drive me to my dorm, and letting me take a rest for a wedding tomorrow.

I wake up earlier in the morning, I just can’t sleep well. The wedding ceremony is going to be held at 1 this noon. I got to make up my face and do my hair, which is I can’t do that by myself, so I went to the nearest hair stylist. Actually I’m asking him to pick me up, but he said that he can’t because there is no car available at that time. Then I just grab a cab….

After I got there (Sheraton Hotel) with my kebaya, my face and my hair is already. He told me that, he just got a news that the wedding ceremony was actually at 4 pm.

Duh…

Me: “why don’t you told me at first time?”

Him: “I don’t know either ayy, my entire family don’t know too, I’m so sorry”

Me: “okay then what should I do now?”

Him: “just wait in my family room”

Me: “okayyy”

Then there we were, me and him in his family room, going to wait for around two more hours with my hair like that. Luckily his family is so welcoming me and made me comfort for being around them, I feel like I already one of them. I spent that time by eating, chatting with his family, walking around hotel with him. Everybody just looked at us, he noticed it and saying that “I think people think that we’re the couple who’s getting married here” and we laughed. “I don’t think so beib, none of bride and groom is going to walking around, 2 hours before their wedding” I said that to him. When we were walking around, the friend of his were taking our picture when I wearing kebaya and he was wearing a broken white tux. I just keep thinking in my heart, why this is happening when we’re not really together. He knew what is in my mind, and saying that god want this to happening, just stick with god’s plan as long as we both happy. “We’re not teenager anymore ayy, we don’t need status to be together, I do still have feelings for you, but I can’t promise a thing for you, I’m afraid I’m going to broke that promise and you’re going to hurt anymore”

His brother calling us to get ready, because everything is ready. I went to his dad and saying good luck for everything and say sorry that my parents couldn’t make it. His father says thank you for everything. Then it’s time to us to walking down the aisle, because I’m not his official family yet, that I walk behind his family with his sister friend.

When we got there, everyone is pleased to be seat and waiting to the bride. The funny part is when his cool aunt asking me like this:

His aunt: “are you both come back together?”

Me: “no, we’re not”

His aunt: “why not? you both are perfectly for each other”

Me: “it’s a bit complicated aunt”

His aunt: “but you do still love him, right?”

Me: “I don’t know (and I just smiling)”

After the ceremony was done, he was introducing me with some of his family that he’s even doesn’t really know who they are. One of his uncles saying “is this your new girlfriend?” “No, she is my old girlfriend that I’ve meet her in Singapore, I told you that” he said. His uncle is just smile, laughs and blinked at me.

His older uncle is asking us (me, him, his sister and friend, and his brother) to get in to room to eat friend rice that he’s been served it for family. I just don’t believe that I’m a part of family at that time. The worst part is when the party is going to start, there comes heavy rain and lightning. It’s garden party, so you guys may know what such chaos there.

The rain really comes all night long, made us (I and his whole family) just want to stay at the room. Before that me and him just walking around the hotel, and meet our old friend when we were in Singapore. After we’re getting tired by walking around the hotel we just came back to family room for just sitting and relaxing for a while. We both just sat in the couch while his family were talking and joking around. Actually we were trying to get some sleep *just closing our eyes, but we couldn’t because every time we were trying to close our eyes, his family was joking so we laugh and laughing more. His family such a good joke making, there we were… laughing all night long with his family.

Chapter 6 Dear Fairy Godmother, If You Were Really Exist

Fairy tales always have a happy ending because they had a wish, and they had a fairy godmother to make the wish come true. They could ask for everything, like a true love, being a princess, or come back to the past. Like a fairy tale I also wanted a fairy godmother to exist and ask me for wishes. I wish that if I could come back to the past, I would like come to early 2009, and fix up everything. I know that is impossible, fairy godmother never exist.

Why would I want to fix my 2009?

Because I mess up everything, I mean its look perfect in the beginning, but in the middle and the end it’s terrible.

Actually I don’t want to take college in Indonesia, at first I’m planning to apply to Malaysia, Singapore or Australia. It’s not because I don’t love my country, but I just want to work and live in another country. For me my country is just a place for home, the place that I could escape when I feel not well. I thought that if I graduate in Foreigner University I would have a chance to get a job there. When I accepted in one of University in Bandung everyone said that I should take that. Actually I don’t blame them, but I blame myself to not choosing what my heart says. I accepted in Architecture School (the best in Indonesia, most everyone said that), since I was in elementary school I just want to be an architect, I like to design my own house *in the Sims. I also thought if I move to Indonesia it would be easy to me and my boyfriend to meet and hang out together. So considering of those reason I take that university and ask my dad to pay the fee. The big mistake is my dad spent a lot of money to pay that university fee, I even couldn’t say how much is it. That’s just too much for me, I feel guilty with my dad.

I ask my dad to pay because I didn’t want to take another test to university, I’m just too lazy and not confident with my ability. So I just do the final exam and wait the result while my friends are dying to do the test things. I also thought that if I absolutely confirm to study in Bandung, my boyfriend also trying to applying all university in Bandung, then we would easier to meet. But I was wrong my boyfriend actually want to stay away from me, so he could dump me easier, I was just too stupid not even think of that. I made a big mistake by against my future dream.

Everything was getting worst when August comes, when I’m about starting the college and he dumped me (as I told at chapter 4). He dumped me when I need someone to share my first week in Indonesia. As you know it’s never been easy when you’ve been in another country for more than one year and then you were moving back to your country. It seems arrogant, but everything seems perfect and comfort in overseas, we need time to adapt for a new place. I know it seems spoiled, but this is the way I feel at that time, I had really hard time. My heart still broken, my parents are far away, I have to deal with a new place and condition, I don’t have someone who really close to me, I can’t go anywhere, and the architect things are driving me crazy. I was freaking out at that time, but I said to my parents that everything was just okay, because I don’t want to hurt them. I was alone, I didn’t even close with my housemate, I really stressful and don’t know with whom I talked about or what I’m supposed to do.

Now 2010 comes I wish that I could fix everything up, but in the beginning of 2010 I have a bad news. I didn’t pass the studio 1, which mean I really stupid and I have to stay longer in studio 1, and which mean I impossibly graduate in four years. If I couldn’t pass the studio 1 what about the other seven studios. I thought that I did all my best to do all the assignment which is I know my sketch is so bad. My friends were shocked too knowing that I didn’t pass that studio, they said that I deserve to pass it. I was so down at that time, my GPA also low and disappointed. I feel guilty to my parents that I couldn’t make them proud. I wasted lot money at the first time, and now I couldn’t make it.

So now, I’m applying to some government university, choosing the social subject, and hoping that god will help me to fix every mess up that I made last year by let me be accept in one of those university And to make my parents proud.

"Dear fairy godmother, if you were really exist and kindly give me a wish…. I want my 2009 back

I would applying to Foreigner University

I would dumped my boyfriend first when he was cheating behind my back

I would not asked my dad to pay that much money

I would applying to Government University in Indonesia as a backup plan

I would not give all my heart to someone who dumped me easily"

Chapter 5 Being Different

These days I just realize that I’m totally different with the others, especially with people around me

"When I want something, people don't want that thing. When people want something, I don't want that thing"

It happens mostly in my life, I mean like what’s on my mind is totally different with others mind. I know that nobody exactly same, even identical twins must have something different. We couldn’t blame people who don’t have a same mind, demand, and expectation with us. God created us in a different ways, place, time, and condition. All that only we can do is just follow our desire or just be fake.

When I was a teenagers (the ages below 17) I don’t want being different. I had to do the same ways like my friend did. At that ages, I felt like being different was such a disgrace, so I prefer be fake than be freak. I would rather not go to somewhere than going to by myself. I would rather hold my desire than I have to do that with by myself. That was I thought when I was at that ages.

After the time goes by and especially when I was live in Singapore, my mind is changing a lot. Singapore is individualist country, they have a line like this “Mind Your Own Business”. That line means no matter what we do is absolutely none of your business. In Singapore people could do whatever they want to do, they can sit in cafe or restaurant, they could watching in movie theater , and they could walk around in shopping mall or park by themselves. So I used to be like that enjoying my quality time by myself. When my friend couldn’t make it with me I just go out by myself, when I am so curious about one movie and nobody wants to watch it. I know that sounds weird, but I did it. I did the things that nobody wants to do that by themselves.

Since I moved to Bandung, everything was totally different. In here being alone without company is odd. Most of my friend really shock when I told them that I used to go out by myself if I need something and nobody wants to company me. They think it’s pathetic and odd, but I’m deal with it. Which is I mention that I’m different with the others so mostly when I asked them to company me to go to somewhere, they couldn’t make it. I don’t know why, sometimes I just asked them to company me to watch movie, eat something, or just hang out and they have so many reason to refuse me. I have no idea, is there something wrong with me or it’s them. Sometimes I feel it’s not fair, I mean like when they asked me to company them and I think it’s not a big deal to do that and hoping that in other time they will company me when I need them, but mostly they couldn’t make it when I asked them.

The reason why I came back to Indonesia and take a degree here is to having a truly friend and not being individualistic anymore. But I’m wrong, nobody care with me here, I mean they even don’t want to sacrifice to me by company me. Indonesia used to known as a country whose having a most friendly people, but I don’t see it anymore even my own relative. I have a lot friends and relatives in Jakarta but nobody seems could help me when I need them, they are too busy with their own business. I don’t blame them, I just shock knowing that this is Indonesia nowadays. Then I thought that I’d rather be in Singapore if the condition just exactly same. That is why I regret with myself by not just take a degree in Singapore.

Unfortunately, I used to be taking care of myself by myself, so I don’t mind if they are too busy to company me. So now, I do what I want to do with or without company, and I don’t care what people say about me. I don’t afraid anymore for being different and odd.

The lesson is never count on people and waits them, just do it by yourself. And never be afraid for being different

Chapter 4 He is The First Guy

The reason i put a short story about adit is he made a long story which is I have to make our story in one chapter.

I never thought that he would made one of my chapter in my life.........

My family moved to Singapore in the early of 2007, I’m excited about that, but I never expect much (I mean the love things). I just want to do different things in my life; I knew that there is will be much opportunity.

Who is he?

"His name is Adit. Actually he is my childhood friend when i was about 3 years old, in Nashville.

My father took me and my mom to Nashville, Tennessee, USA, because he is in his master program. In the same things, his father was in his master program too. So here we were, waiting for our daddy studying his master. Actually, i didn't really remember him, i just remember when we were playing in the sand and our moms were talking each other while we were playing. That's all i had in my mind"

The first day i came to school is the first time i saw him. He's cute, tough. He must be the number one in this school, i said to my mind. In fact he wasn't, nothing special with him., i like him actually, but never expect much.

The day when we are in outdoor to that class mid things , he came to me and we were talking much from A to Z., and then we're together.

Everybody said to me that never be with him, he's such a player. But i'm really in love, i like him so badly, he made my day. We went to school together, he waited me in the bus stop which i usually getting off from the bus, and we walked together to school, such a beautiful day. He is the first boy who ever hold my hand warmly, hug me tight, and kissed me gently. I've never in such a happiness like that. After school finished we used to go to somewhere ; KFC, MCD, Ya Kun Kaya Toast, His house or even to Library. He teach me mandarin and english, then i teach him math.

I felt like we're the sweetest couple, we're always together. I didn't stay in dance class just because i just wanna be with him. He always kissed me in my cheek and forehead when i'm about leaving the bus stop.

Everything in my life seems so perfect at that time, until i have to realize that he's gonna move to Jakarta, because his father has to move. The sad things is, he's gonna move to Jakarta after i just came like 4 months. We really like each other at that time, and don't know what we supposed to do. We decided to try a long distance relationship, we could come visit each other. One thing is he told me that his mom was sick, she's got lungs cancer and she has to do the chemo things. I didn't know what's in my mind at the time about LDR things, i just wanna be with him no matter we're far away, i really in love with him. He treats me like a princess. Before he leaving he bought me a bunny doll so i won’t forget him.

Until the day had come, the day he would be far away from me. I feel numb, feel nothing, scared, and so sorrow. I have to pretend that i'm okay, because there are so many people there, my mom and dad was there too. Luckily i have my friend accompany me her name is Cinta ( cinta is one of my Indonesian friend ), she had to skipped her class just to be with me. That night i went to bed earlier and cried all night long, scared that his heart would change.

One thing that i like about him that i learn a lot from this relationship, he teach me english ( we're always use english when we're chatting and texting ), he correct my english. He told me that how lucky i am that my mom is alright, he teach me how to appreciate and love my mom as long as she still exist. He teach me how to enjoy this life, and don't take it too seriously because we just live once. "Just enjoy what you have now, baby" he said to me.

Our relationship isn't that always sweet, we fighted, we were cranky, we mad, i cried, forgiveness and then come a sweet chapter in our life story after a great fight. Once, he asked me to looking another boyfriend to cheer me up when he wasn't around , but i never wanted a new boyfriend.

'I JUST WANNA HIM, GOD.. Why is this so difficult?"

We've been through a hard time, but we made it. Until the time, I was in school break, I went to Jakarta just to visit him. I said to my parents that i need to go to the dentist, salon, my private math teacher and bla bla bla. Meet him isn't that easy, our home such a far away, Jakarta isn't like Singapore. In Singapore, no matter how far our home we could still meet each other, there are subway and busses, and Singapore isn't that large too. I have to wait about 1 week just to meet him, i mean his family condition wasn't good at that time, his mom was getting sicker and worst, and his father was freaking out because of everything. Until that night he texted me, and said that he was hopeless to meet me, because of his family condition were getting worst. I cried that night in my best friend room, Fifi ( fifi is my best friend since elementary/primary school). I mean i was freaking out too, i had come here just because of him, and now he just saying that he was hopeless, what the hell is that. My older cousin picked me up from fifi's house that night and she said that is it okay if we were going to grab a coffee. Ok then, i said. At that time, i just can't talk too much, i was so blue, until my cousin and his boyfriend (now husband) ask me what happened. I almost cried when i told everything, then my cousin's boyfriend told me that he will take me to bintaro to meet him.

Gosh, god sent me a hero, i was really glad and then i called him, and he said yes.

I've got a lot of butterfly in my stomach, i was really nervous, scared, and happy, and it just likes rujak.

Finally we've meet, i hug him like crazy, he was bold at that time and i didn't really care.

And from that day we meet each other easily

From that day we promise that we would have to through this relationship and never say B word

When school break was over i came back to Singapore, we keep texting, chatting, and calling.

Until the February had come, his mother was dying and her respiratory system isn't working properly. She needs something to help her breath, like wrote in chapter 2

“And the sad things in that month were when his mother came here and her condition was not good. Lay down in a weakness, with a pale face, she had no hair anymore, and very thin. I’m about want to crying at that time, but I don’t want to cry in front of his father, so I hold my tears. I just am wondering his feelings at that moment.

I wrote already in chapter when his mom is gone. Well is never been easy when our parents pass away, especially our mom. To be honest I can’t imagine how my life would be if my mom gone. I know his really hurt and never be healing. That’s why he changed, not much but not bit either after his mom died. He is more sensitive, screw up, I really have no idea with him at that time, but I promise to myself that I always be with him no matter what.

When May comes, I’m thinking about sent him a birthday cake, because I wouldn’t be there. I asked my older cousin to sent him a cake, I’ll pay it latter when I come to Jakarta. And you know what? in his birthday, my other older cousin was giving a birth, I have a new niece, I become a aunt that’s funny, it’s a girl and her name is Naura. Naura has a same birthday date with Adit.

In June, there was another school break, and it was so long that I couldn’t stand by staying at home and do nothing. So I decided to take a silly scout camp, that’s just a reason for my parents to allow me going to Jakarta.

I Miss Him So Much

In that month, it was my birthday too at 24th, well unfortunately he couldn’t make it, and he has to do something. So I celebrate with my best friend asa and fifi, and the next day I meet him, as usual we went to cinema and eat, I have to get in the camp the next day, so I’m going to meet him after the scout camp is over.

The scout camp wasn’t really bad at all, it quite fun. In the middle week of scout camp, my friend told me that he saw Adit with another girl in Pim. At first I wasn’t really believe my friend, but I checked by called his house, and it’s true, he is in Pim right now. I freaking out at that time, I text him madly. My friend Della knew that something wrong with me, and he absolutely knew it must be Adit was making a trouble. I’m not really in the mood, but I have to listened the seminar at that time. Adit text me, he said that he really disappointed because I’m not trusted him. He said that he was in Pim not only with that girl, but with his other friend. I didn’t know with whom I’m gonna believe in, my friend who probably tell the truth or my own boyfriend who has a player label in his self.

After that entire problem, I was sick, not really sick but I didn’t feel well. I lose my appetite and absolutely I lose my weight which is I like that. I told him that I was sick and lose my appetite in that camp. He knew that I’m still mad because of that problem, and begging me to eat and convince me that nothing happened between him and that girl. He promise to pick me up after the camp and took me to the idol show. I think he felt guilty and want to pay that. He really pick me up to the camp, and guess what? as usual he still act cold. He didn’t say a single word in car until the half way to my home. Finally I lay in his shoulder and he holds me too, we both knew that we have to forget that thing, he kiss my forehead gently. On my way home, without talking too much I forgive him and forget it all. But I never know whose telling the truth, my friend or him?

On the next day, he let me took a rest because my voice almost fade away. The two next day he took me to his mom grave which is I asked him for a long time. There we were, in his mom grave, he told me what I have to do in that grave, pray. put a flower and water. At that moment I just don’t believe that his mom was gone, even though me and his mom wasn’t really close, but I just felt terribly sorry. After mourn, he took me to his house to meet his younger sister and brother. I’m having a good time with them, his sister Indi asked me to cook spaghetti and called their grandmother to buy some ingredients. I cooked spaghetti when his grandmother came, and everyone in his house like it, he said that my food taste quite same like his mom.

The next two days we went to cinema, and he asked me to come with him to barbeque party in his friend’s house. Actually I don’t feeling it because I really don’t know his friend at all, but he begging to me to come. When we came, he introduce me to his friends, the boy quite warm, but I don’t really like the girls, they seems don’t like me. After about 1 and half hour I asked him to take me home. The last two day in Jakarta, he took me to the idol show, he is the idol crew actually, but at that day he is off, so he could company me. Weirdly he didn’t want just sit down beside me and watching the show, he wants to walk around the show, but I asked him to just sit down, and again he act cold all night because he didn’t like it. And as usual he said sorry. Too many sorry I thought.

The school break was over, and I came back to my real life. As usual we just text, chat and call each other. Nothing happened in past 3 months, just like usual couple fight and then made it. There is a huge problem at that time, because of snake, the snake that never even exists. One day in the afternoon, we chat like usual, and he told me that he’s planning to having a snake as a pet. I don’t like snake at all, I hate snake and now he’s planning to having it. I really mad at him until I said something to him that makes him really hurt. He’s really hurt, he didn’t talk to me for over 1 month. Until he realizes that I’m right, I have to telling him when he did bad things, and we made it again for a thousand times.

The next month, when he treat me sweetly, when we were just ok. Something happened, a girl came to me in facebook, and she said that she is Adit’s girlfriend. I become freaking out anymore, I’m exhausted of his game, his back up girl, and his behavior. That girl also text me and sent me messages in facebook to discuss all those things, but I don’t want to, I’d prefer to ignore her, and don’t want to hurt anymore.

As usual I NEVER knew the truth about that girl, who is she?

After he said sorry (again) to me and I forgive him (again), I forget all those behind, I don’t want to talk about it. I have a big exam in the next month, so I don’t want every single things bother me, I prefer pretending that everything is alright. At that month I came to Jakarta to taking care of my college things, and we meet, he picked me up at the airport and meets my mom too.

The final exam was finished, and we’re just like planning what we are going to do when I come to Jakarta, I’m planning that I going to stay in Jakarta about 1 month to take a driving lesson and communication lesson. One night, suddenly he told me something important. He’s going to run away from his home, he’s going to leave his family, he couldn’t stand anymore with his home condition. I have no idea what in his mind, I told him like a thousand times that he still need his family to live on. He is just a stubborn at that time, I don’t know what happened to him. He said to me that I would never meet him anymore because tomorrow he’s going to run away. He’s just trying to take my attention at that time, he’s not really run away and probably he has a family crisis at that time.

The tomorrow night, suddenly he show up in Msn and asking what is his reward for not being run away from home. I said that he got his precious family and me.

He promises to me that he will pick me up at the airport when I’m coming to Jakarta. That night before I leave Singapore, he calls me and said that his driver was not there, so probably his father and he will pick me up. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I want him to picking me up, but I also shame on his father. The next day before my plane were taking off, I called him and he said that his father, sister, and brother will also picking me up. Gosh, his whole family is going to pick me up at the airport, I’m really pleased to hear that. I love he and his family more.

I’m having a good time at Jakarta, I’m taking a driving and communication lesson. I’m also hanging around with him a lot, but we also fight two times at that time. First we fight about him, I mad at him because he’s not register at the college yet. He really doesn’t care about his school stuff, I mean his college. Second, we fight about his secret job. He was joining in multi level marketing, actually I don’t really care wether he’s joining that stuff or not, I just don’t like it when he’s keeping secret behind me. I spend the rest of my holiday with him. One day when his sister birthday and planning to celebrate it, I came to his house and helping his sister to pick her outfit. In her sister birthday party we escape from the party to walk and talk each other, I never tought that that night is the last time I’d see him.

The next day, I leave Jakarta because I had to attend my graduation. Since our last meeting, he never text, call, or chat me, except when my birthday, he’s just saying happy birthday to me. One month pass, he never call me, I don’t know why until I’m freakin out and asking his sister to told him that I worried about him.

And finally he sent me an email like this,

From Aditya Pradana
18 Juli 2009

Hey hun.
I really need to take a break with you until im settled in university
I hope u understand.
I just cleared my problem with fam.
I hope u get this message, just mail me
Love You.
Mmmuaacch XOXO

I used to take a break with him, I didn’t mind about that. As he never text me, I keep myself busy so I won’t be sad about that break. The next month I moved to Bandung because my college orientation started in a week, my family also came to Jakarta to accompany me. When I was in cinema to watch Up, he text me in randomly number and said,

“We’re broke up, I still love you, but I can’t stand with this long distance relationship anymore. I’m sorry, I love you”

I could never tell you guys what was like my feeling at that time, it broken, stab, he broke my heart into a million pieces. I really quite in front of my family, I have to pretend that nothing happen, I can’t say to my family that he dumped me, I can’t cry in front of them. He’s picking the wrong time. At night I’m crying like crazy, I called my close friend Herdy, I can’t even talk to him, I’m crying on phone. Herdy absolutely have no idea what word he’s going to say to me, and how to cheer me up. I even sent his grandmother an email about our relationship is over. I don’t really like the way he broke me, why didn’t he call me, at least it’s a bit gentle.

I would never forget him easily, we’ve been together for over two years. Even though he dumped and broke me, he made my day in two years, I never hate him. He always came to my mind and my dream after months had pass over. He never contacts me, but I’m still in contact with his sister, brother and grandmother now. I don’t know why this is all happening, but I always knew that god set this up with a purpose.

Chapter 3 L.O.V.E

what is love ?

talking about love will never ending, i mean everyone have a love story in their life.

love is unspoken, extraordinary, unconditionaly, unpredictable,and unbelievable.

i used to have love of my life

when i was in second year of high school, me and my friend created love made by pink and purple paper. i wrote in those tiny love paper like this "love is......." and i asked all of my friend in school (include some of the teacher) to fill the blank with whatever in their mind about love. it's quite unique, the answer is silly, adorable, and touching.

* i think i'm gonna do that things anymore but only for me. i'll ask everybody to write their minds about love

what is exactly the meaning of love ?

1. the first time i really fall in love when i was in junior high school, i'm in love with my own best friend. i couldn't say his name because i never told him that i really in love with him at that time.

he's not handsome *no offense, he's not rich, and he's not flirting to me

the L just came, we spent our time together in student council in our school, he's the leader and i'm kinda his assistant. we just like music and lyric, inseparable.

i always excited when i went to school everyday, and because we're in same class, i always wanted to be number 1 no matter what, to impress him.

his family love me too, i think his family love me more that his girlfriend

when i fall in love with someone, i always give a good impression to their family, i dont know why ?, but i always did

i really care about him, i think my friend noticed that. but he never love me like i did to him, maybe he love me, but not more than a sister.

2. Then i moved to singapore, i met someone else. He is my childhood friend, adit. Actually i met him when i was 3 years old. Our father took a master degree in nashville, tennesse. I remember him, but not much, only when we were playing sand together or celebrated my birthday. When i was still in jakarta, my father saidd to me that adit was here, you would be in the same school with him. Well, i didnt mind, i knew nothing about him, i never thought he would made one of my chapter in my life.

that's love of my life

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. *notting hill

Chapter 2 About 2008

i found my old blog about my life in 2008 from friendster, quite silly but its cool

so i copy paste it in here

January 2008,, 2008 start on January,, awal tahun 2008 gw diawali dengan senyum bahagia karena akhir desember gw habiskan bersama orang tercinta setelah keluarga.. walaupun keadaan dia tidak terlalu baik cuma gw cukup bahagia mengahbiskan liburan bersama dia dan sahabat-sabahat tercinta dan siap menyambut tahun 2008… lebih segar untuk datang ke sekolah dan akhir januari saat nya untuk mengepak-ngepak barang. it’s time to moved out from my last apartment.

February 2008.. hhmm awal bulan diisi dengan menata rumah dan kamar di apartment yang baru.. well my room is longer than the previous one. . dan it was chinnese new year. CHINGAY TIME…. Parade terbesar di Singapura dalam rangka menyambut chinnese new year. well it’s not bad at all. waluapun menurut gw it’s just so..so.. and the sad things in that month was when his mother came here and her condition was not good. Terbaring lemah tak berdaya, dengan muka pucat pasi tak berambut.. sangat kurus.. pengen nangisss saat itu.. cuman gak enak ada dai2 waktu itu. jd di tahan aja.. gw aja yg bukan anaknya ngeliatnya nangis, apa lagi perasaan dia ??….

March 2008 his mom still in singpore and he planned to visited her. gw seneng karna bisa ketemu.. cuma ternyata gak jadi.. yaaa terima aja… and i went to japan that month.. sebenernya gak terlalu antusias cuma krn kita ke disneyland gw cukup antusias. entah kenapa gw tetap antusias sm hal2 yg berbau disney walaupun umur sudah tua begini,, sudah mau menginjak kepala 2 hhhahhaha…

April 2008,, tepat pada tanggal 1 April 2008. She’s gone.. her mom was gone.. saat itu gw masi ada class pada malam hari. herdy nelpon gw tp gw gak bs angkat. trus setelah selesai class gw gak mikir apa2 *palingan herdy cuman mau nanya PR ato apalah… in that time he send me message and said. ” gw turut berduka cita ya yu, salam bwat adit.” OH MY GOOD… what happen… ?? dada gw sesek.. gw langsung tlp herdy.. dan ternyata herdy bilang klo innalillahi she’s gone. pada saat itu tulang kakigw bener2 bergetar, mau nangis dan sesek.. gw sama sekali bingung what should i did in that time.. akhirnya gw cuma bs sms, krn gw ngerti dia gak bs terima tlp pada saat itu, pasti sibuk dan hatinya sakit… akhirnya gw sampein berita duka itu ke temen2.. dan mereka nitip salam ke gw utk disampein ke adit..

May 2008,, my anniversary… and his birthday too… hhhhhhhahaha nothing special in my anniversary but i send him a cake in his birthday… yaaa sedih juga gak bisa ada di hari ulang tahunnya so i send him a brithday cake.. and yg terima niniknya.. :-p,, and gw family gathering ke KL bulan mei itu.. ya not bad to have fun lahh…

June 2008,, WOW… awal bulan ujian semesteran… after that prepared for RAINAS 2008,, hhhhaha it’s crazy .. punya pikiran apa gw smpe mau ikut acara pramuka kek gituan.. sssstttt.. (dasa darma aja gw gak hafal) huahhhahha ckckkck… cuma gw pengen ngabisin liburan dgn cara yg berbeda ajaaa.. kemping sm temen2 baru…. yaaa siapa tau fun… akhirnya tepat tanggal 2 hari before my birthday i went to jakarta,, gw ngabisin hr ultah gw dengan jalan dengan sahabat2 tercinta fifi asa,, mereka temen baik gw sejak SD smpe skarang… i love you guys.. dan esoknya gw ngerayain ultah sm orang tercinta…. hhhhahhah… nothing special…. badannya makin OK,, dan tepat tgl 26 gw masuk camp hhhahah sempet tegang juga waktu itu ngeliat lautan anak pramuka…( takut di serbu .) hhhahha.. akhirnya gw ketemu sm temen2 satu kontingen.. it suposed to be less than 20 people in 1 group but we just 5.. what the hell… okok jalanin aja… malam pertama di camp semua pada terseranghomesick pada minta pulang semuaaaa… hhhahha yaa gw sih terserah aja… akhirnya bu juni minta kita tinggal 5 hari aja… ngeliat gimana nantinya.. ok.. cerita raimuna bersambung di blog yg lain…

July 2008,,,, setelah menjalani raimuna dengan bahagia gw pulang minta jemput pacar.. hhhaha.. :-).. hhhaha.. dia pertama2nya dingin bgt.. BT kali yaaa suruh jemput dr bintaro ke cibubur.. never mind akhirnya di mobil istirahat dehh.. ( senangnya..) nyampe dirumah tinggal impi indah.. sehari setelah pulang dari raimuna.. it’s time to have fun.. hhhmm hr selas gw mau ziarah ke kuburan ibu nya.. so sad… he took me to his house.. so fun,, ketemu indi, andika, ninik i love them all.. i love his fams.. and i i hope i always do. waktu itu menguji kelayakan masakan gw ke niniknya hhahaha.. she said ” enak kok, seger….” trus akhirnya dia cerita ttg apa gitu panjang lebar….. gw dengan senang hati mendengarkan “maaf ya ninik aku lupa cerita ninik”… ntar cerita lagi ya nik,, yaa dan lusa harinya kita ngabisin hari dgn nonton dan wkt itu dia ngajak gw utk makan2 dirumah temen deketnya… dan dikenalin ke temen2 nya… di saat itu juga gw ketemu hanin,, *my new friend, yg wkt itu accept gw hhhhahaahh… dan sisa hari nonton indo idol, dan berkunjung ke rumah naura(keponakan ). *fyi, naura itu ultahnya sama kek ultah dia.. 16 mei… hhhhaha.. ultah mu sama nak sm kyk om adit… and gw msti balik lg ke singpur. time was up so sad but so fun…

August 2008,,, marching time… hhahhaha dengan sukses dan bangga gw umumkan bahwa gw berhasil mengibarkan bendera merah putih di tanah orang lain *sgp… pengalam yg pertama dan tak pernah terlupakan… membawa maksudnya mengambil dan mengembalikan bendera merah putih dari dan ke duta besar singapura pada saat itu.

September 2008,, fasting time,,, berpuasa seperti biasanya…. nothing special sih di bulan ini,,, cuma di bulan ini ada beberapa orang yang ngambek bgt sm gw… hhhahaha never mind.. oya fyi,, welan ketua kelas gw meminta gw untuk menuliskan namanya di blog ini… karna dia telah mengayomi gw selama 2,5 tahun sebagai ketua kelas yang baik.. hhhaha iya deh wel, sebisa mungkin dengan lapang dada gw memasukkan nama lw ke blog gw.. okok sedikit ttg welan gw sebutin krn dibulan ini gakada yg menarik.. welan itu sosok lelaki yang tampan, rupawan, memikat hati *huekk peace wel,, yaa gw akuin welan emang ganteng gak ada dia gak rame di kelas.. dan anak baru slalu jd sasaran dia.., ada satu anak yg gak tahan sm sikap welan hhhah tapi gini2 welan banyak yg naksir lhoo.. banyak yg ngirimin hadiah ke welan.. hhahha udh yaa wel,, ntar lagi nyambung…

October 2008,, holiday time.. i went to my grandma’s house.. yaappp kumpul time… dan wisata kuliner.. semua makanan di padang gw kasih nilai dan ada dokumentasinyaa hhhaha mak nyoss… tp suasana di padang udh gak enak,, seiring dengan umur gw yg udh gak “polos” lagi jd gw mengetahui semua masalah keluarga besar dari mama,, bahkan sepertinya gw di tarik2 mau di rekrut ke kubu A atopun kubu B.. gak deh makasihh.. ada hal lain yang lebih penting gw urusinnn… dan bulan oktober gw hampir berpisah ato mengakiri hubungan gw dengan dia,, sedihnya… dan untungnya cuman hampir…at last he said that “i’m the precious things that he has” so sweet.. so pesan mamanya dia harus mempertahankan sesuatu yg berharga yg dia punya… thanks tante,, i love you…

November 2008,, bulan yg seharusnya gw mengunjungi jogja tp krn gak lulus test final i dont got it,, (tuhan masih sayang sm seseorang dengan gak mengizinkan gw ke jogja )….. oyaaa,, bulan itu gw harus galak ke ade ade kelass,, LDKS time…. jujur gw susah untuk marah,, tapi berhubung welan (tuh wel, nama lw gw sebut lagi ) meminta gw dgn sangat untuk dingin mode,, ok lahh.. gw usahain.. dan lucunya pulang LDKS gw masih sempet ke EXPO utk berburu CROCS.. salah satu merek sendal jepit ter elit yg gw tau,, gelo aja sendal yg bahannya dari karet dan bentuknya yang konyol namun jd trendseter *heh,, bener gak ni tulisannya. harganya selangit… okok harga normalnya disini $53.90 yg klo dirupiahin bisa Rp 377.300 jujur untuk harga sendal jepit itu gak normal. tp ternyata setelah gw coba pewe juga tuh sendal dna pada waktu di EXPO itu sale CROCS gede gdean,, cuma $20-$25 gila gak,. dengan kalap gw mengambil semua yg cocok sm gw gak lupa juga cocok buat dia. gw pasti akan slalu inget untuk beliin dia sesuatu. gak mikir muat apa gak ato suka apa gak,, yang penting beli dulu,, murah..murah.. hhhahaha walaupun pd waktu itu gw lg BETE sm dia.. hhhaha *BT masi inget ja yaa, tuh betapa aku menyayangimu….

December 2008,, desember kelabu ato blue december… 1. gw gak lulus UNPAr, 2. kita break. 3. bokap rese. 4. liburan bosen, gak bisa ketemu orang2 tercinta.. pdhl kan kita mau masak ya ndi,, km kangen masakan aku kan ??? hhhaha *pede.. oya bulan ini gw nonton twilight 3 kali.. hhhahaha… saking stress nya… dan gw juga ngirim semua lamaran gw ke semua univ saking takut nya gak dapet kuliah nanti… ada sedikit hal2 yang cukup mengagetkan gw desember ini… hhhmmm pertama gw bakal sering ketemu sama keluarganya di facebook karena mostly mereka punya facebook, ninik sm dai2 juga punya… sampai sepupunya yang kelas 3SD juga punya .. ok never mind… pas malem malem gw lagi chating tiba2 ada yg nyapa gw sepupunya yang gw kasih nama samarannya bel…. bel : haii,, kakak kenal mas adit yaa ?? bel : iya, haii salam kenal yaaa bel : iya, kakak kenal mbak indi juga ? ayu : iya, kamu sepupunya mas adit kan ya ? bel : iya, lhoo kok kakak tau aku… ayu : iya, kamu kan yang suka kefoto bareng sm mas adit kan. bel : iya, jangan cemburu yaa ayu : hahah gak lah,, abis km cantik bgt sii. bel : kakak ini sebenernya siapanya mas adit siii ?? sejenak gw mikir,, gw mesti jawab apaa yaaa,, nih orang gw juga baru kenal.. trus apa dia ngerti artinya pasangan atau pacar yaa ? mau bilang temen emang bukan temen,, mau dibilang pacar gw useless bgt jadi pacar, pacaran 6 bulan sekali. huaaaa gimana nihh,, akhirnya dengan gentle gw jawab ayu : iya, aku pacarnya bel : cieeee….. mas adit love mbak ayu ayu : hhahaha thanks ya cantik… blablabla banyak lah yg kita omongin smpe smpe dia bilang gini… bel : kakak selingkuh yaa ?? ayu : HECH ??, sama siapa ?? bel: iya, kt nya kakak selingkuh jadinya mas adit lebih milih pacarnya yang di indonesia drpd yg di singapur… ayu : HECH ( nih anak polos jujur apa gimana siii ??) aku gak selingkuh kok.. tp by the way emang mas adit punya pacar lagi di sana *sok cool gitu gw.. pdhl hati udah panas. bel : iya, punya, trus kan aku punya no kakak trus aku cek inbox nya mas adit ada inbox mas adit “my honey” tapi no nya beda sm no kakak. ayu : ahh masa… itu no aku kali yang indonesia, aku kan juga punya no indonesia itu no aku kali yang indonesia. bel : ooohh iya ya… terus aku juga pernah liat foto kakak sm mas adit di mejanya, cieee…. tp ada foto cewek lain juga lhooo… ayu : hechhh,,, (*nih anak buat gw parno , jantungan… mau nya apa siii ?? cie cie tp bikin down) hhhmmm fotonya yang mas adit lagi botak gak ? yang ada di JCO. bel : iya,, bener.. kok tau… ayu : ( hayah,, capek dehhh itu kan foto gw yang lagi sedikit chubby, dan foto itu jg pernah gw pasang di friendster) oooo iya, itu mah aku say,, emang agak beda lebih ndut an dikit. bel : ooo iyaya hhahahaah,, kakak pernah kerumah ninik ?? ayu : gak, tapi ketemu ninik pernah masak tapi dirumah nya mas adit. bel : OOOO brarti bener mas adit punya pacar yang lain,, kt nya sering di bawa ke rumah ninik masak. ayu : HAA ??, kamu yakin ?? ( nih anak enak bgt yaa ngomongnya.. ) bel : iya yakinnnnn,, seratus persennn…. yaudah gw akhirin aja tuh “perbincangan” … nangis gw abis itu… gila yaa gw bisa di tangisin anak klas 3 SD dengan cara omongan doang.

1. stress masalah ujian/sekolah/masa depan. 2. Stress masalah adit dan sepupunya akhirnya besoknya gw tanya sm indi.. ayu : ndi, mas adit selingkuh ya ?? indi : haahh ?? gak tuhh ayu : kata aqua mas adit punya pacar lagii trus sering dibawa kerumah ninik blablablablab *untung indi sabar mengadapi gw. indi : yaampunn kakak,, aqua dipercayaaa,, aku dibilang hamil sama dia kakak percaya juga ?? ayu : haa ? serius ndi, jd aqua jgn di percaya ?? indi : ya iyalah kakak…. aduh nih yaa… dia itu s** t**, c****, n******* omongan anak kecil kakak percaya siiii,, her imagination is WILD, masa aku dibilang hamil. tenang kak, mas adit tuh sayang banget sm kakak,, aku smpe bosen dengerin dia cerita kakak teruss hheheh peace.. ayu : (udah agak meninggi percaya diri gw) oya ? masa ? emang dia cerita apa aja ?? indi : mas adit suka cerita how much he loves you… yaaa kyk gini “kangen nih sm kak ayu, i love her blablabla…” saking bosennya aku smpe sering ke toilet. hhahaha ayu : tapi ndi, aku dapet informasi sm temen2 nya klo mas adit jalan sm cewek lain ??!!?!?! indi : ooo itu,, iya aku kenal sm tuh cewek, dia itu best friendnya mas adit, tenang aja kak nothing more than it. kyk aku juga punya best friend cowok. malah mas adit suka cerita2 ttg kakak ke best friendnya itu. ayu : temennya pernah ke rumah ? cantik ?? indi : iya, tp ke kamar ku kok, gak kok menurut ku gak cantik. ayu : ok ndi, thanks berattt.. i trust you indi : okok… hahhaha penjelasan dari indi cukup menenangkan gw. masalah adit clear sejenak… datang lagi masalah keluarga yang bener2 buat gw down. kira2 sebulan nyokap gw pergi, 2 minggu ke jkt dan 2 minggu ke padang krn nenek gw sakit dan karena nyokap gw satu2 nya anak perempuan makanya she has to take care her mom, tp yang bikin semuanya jd berantakannn adalah rumah yang berantakan karena gak ada pembantu.. dan pada awal2 nyokap pergi bokap gw gak pernah mau bantuin sama sekali, dan bersikeras ngotot gak mau sewa pembantu *gw membela diri bahwa pekerjaan rumah adalah bukan kewajiban gw seutuhnya. okok,, liburan gw gak di bolehin ke jkt denga alasa blablabla… gw terima… dengan berharap gw bebas melakukan apa yg gw mau disamping belajar juga. gw mengharapkan liburan yang seperti anak normal lain lakukan. bangun siang, mandi klo mau pergi, main, jalan2 dan gw emang gak lupa juga buat belajar. gak lama kemudian pagi2 disaat gw lagi mimpi2 dan berusaha mengartikan mimpi gw DAR DAR DAR DAR….. bokap bangunin gw udah kyk TAHANAN PENJARA. gimana gak sakit hati gw.. pusing lahh dibangunin kyk gituuu… disuruh belajar pagi2 *sorry it’s not my style… gak tau kenapa gw susah klo disuruh blajar pagi2 kecuali sekolah. karena emang gw suka tidur malem klo liburan. *maaf yaa.. dunia perCHATingan baru ramai saat malam hari kira2 jam10 11 disini. masa gw mau disuruh tidur jam segitu, masi sore… mau chating sm anak balita gw… gw beranggapan mereka masih menganggap gw anak bayi yang tidur jam 8-9 malam bangun jam 7 pagi. trus tidur siang nantinya. aduhh… heloo… gw tumbuh man… bukan anak kecil kesayangan mu lagi yang bisa diatur-atur layaknya mainan the sims. *tapi satu hal yang perlu kita ketahui, klo mau aman financial smpe kuliah mendingan ikutin aja kt ortu lw, ikutin kemauan mereka. sabar.. sabar.. aja… emang kadang kita gak sepikiran sm mereka, waluapun kita darah daging mereka. gw yang stress ngadepin ujian bukannya dapet tidur cukup, kebahagiann, dukungan malah dapet depresi berat. udah nyokap melaw melow terussss alhasil jadilah tiap pagi gw mesti ngerelain air mata gw keluar.. utk hal apa saja…. satu hal kenapa siii mereka cuma bisa memandang dari sisi penglihatan mereka aja, manusia itu beda2 man.. punya hak asasi tersendiri apalagi buat mereka yang susah memiliki kartu tanda penduduk.. so please… hargain pilihan gw… i know what the best for me. oya hari ini tgl 31 desember, pas bgt gw nulis ini blog, ( gw gak ngerti mesti cerita ke siapa lagii, gw yakin temen2 deket gw pasti dah bosen denger cerita2 gw yg itu2 aja ) dengan mata masi sangat mengantuk tp gak bisa tidur banyak pikiran. kyknya malem ini gw gak ikut tahun baruan,,dirumah aja.. lagi males ngapa2in.. mau merenung aja… how to make simple….

yahhh mudah2an 2008 ini gw akhirin dengan yang terbaik…..